


'I Just Want To Sleep'

by Silvera



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/M, May contain triggers, Overdosing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-16 16:53:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4632870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvera/pseuds/Silvera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in season six Spencer still can't sleep and has got some pills. One night when all the thoughts of what happened to her come flooding back and she can't take it any more she takes too many pills. Everyone just thought that she had finally managed to get to sleep.</p><p>Luckily, Toby wasn't convinced.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy. I think that there is definitely going to be more than one chapter. There might be. Leave comments and kudos all comments will get responded to. Enjoy!

As usual it was another sleepless night for Spencer. She hadn't slept at all for three days and the effects were really getting to her. Most of her time was spent in her room since she had decided that it was still too soon for school and Toby had been to swamped with work to see her. The rest of the girls spent most of the time just trying to re-adapt to their lives by doing their own thing. Aria was taking photos, Emily was looking after Sara and Hanna was spending time with Caleb. Spencer just sat up in her room. Wishing for sleep but not wanting to succumb to the nightmares and vulnerability of it. She was still being tormented with the memory of waking up covered in blood. And the fear that accompanied it. Even though she had escaped that bunker she knew that Charles was still controlling her life and her sleep.

Restless, she hopped up off of her bed and started to pace around her room. After a couple minutes of agitated pacing she walked over to the window. It wasn't even that dark out. Clouds dominated the dull grey sky and a soft, cool breeze blew around the dead leaves in the garden. Checking her watch she realised that it's about the time that Toby got off work. Although Tanner has been doing quite a good job of keeping him at the station as late as possible. Spencer sat down on the chair facing the window, contemplating whether or not to call him. In the end she decided that she didn't want to bother him. She sat there for a while, lost in her thoughts and theories until images of being hooked up to one of Charles' machines being told to choose startled her back to reality. Looking back out the window, even though she had been staring at it, she realised that it had got a bit later. The sky was darker and she must have been sitting there for about an hour.

Sleep was gnawing at her but she didn't want another flood of memories coming back to her. Her phone was on her bed, maybe she could call Aria or Emily, maybe even Hanna would want to talk. No, she didn't want to bother any of them either. She glared at the phone distastefully for a minute, blaming it for not being able to fix all of her problems. Sighing, she hauled herself back onto her feet and crawled under her covers, fully expecting another night of just lying awake or about an hours worth of fitful sleep that makes her feel even worse then she did before. 

She allowed her mind to drift off again, not even paying attention to her thoughts except for the occasional time when she had to steer away from thinking bout Charles and the bunker. She was so absorbed in her minds wonderings that she didn't notice when her mom opened her door to come in and check on her. When she came in she saw Spencer laying down in her bed, her eyes staring blankly through her. Even though she often had that expression it still sent chills down her spine every time she saw it. However she was getting used to it. Getting used to Spencer just staring but not seeing and either ignoring her or not hearing her, and the few times she did hear her she hardly reacted. It was worrying. Veronica had spent those three treacherous weeks searching high and low for her daughter. Occasionally she would think that she would never get her back, that she was gone forever, she would usually shove those thoughts away though. But she never thought about what would happen once she got her daughter back. She had devoted all of her time to finding Spencer that thinking about what would happen next never occurred to her. But now she just didn't know what to do. She had her daughter back but at the same time she didn't. Nothing about Spencer was the same.

She dressed and looked the same (except for her usually pale face and the bags under her eyes) but there was nothing left of the real Spencer in there. All that competitiveness and passion that had once been the fuel to Spencer's arsenal of curiosity and intelligence was gone. Now it was like she was just...empty.

"Honey do you want something to eat?" she asked. No response.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" No response. Hesitating for another minute, she reluctantly left.

Spencer had barely registered her mothers presence while she was in her room. Her thoughts had taken her away. She had given them completely free reign and that had eventually ended up at her conversation with Aria. Remembering when Aria had told her that she had thrown her pills out. Then she remembered when she had gone digging around for them. Remembering hiding them in her draw.

Her eyes flashed over to her draw. Staring so hard she was half sure that she was staring straight through the wood and looking at the orange pill bottle. She stayed there like that for the longest time. Dead silent but having an internal war whether or not she should take the pills. Eventually she dragged herself up into a sitting position and looked in the mirror.

Her long brunette hair hung limply at her shoulders and framed her overly pale face. The very noticeable bags and black rings under her eyes looked like bruises and that's when she decided. I just want to sleep, she thought, sliding open the draw and taking out the pill bottle. She unscrewed the cap and swallowed a pill without any water, like she had done so many times before.

Impatiently she waited for it to start to kick in but she couldn't wait long enough. She grabbed the bottle again popping another pill into her mouth and then another and another. One after the other the already half empty pill bottle emptied. She wasn't thinking about what she was doing. She didn't think about her friends or her family or her life or Toby. She was thinking more about Charles and A and everything that had happened since her first text from A and all the mistakes she had made and people she had hurt and all the things that she had been through. But more than that she was thinking only one thing.

I just want to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos. Enjoy!

Toby huffed out a relieved breath as he finally got out of work, he managed to get out only an hour late by working at super-human speed on all of the extra work that Tanner piled on him. She had been finding more and more reasons to keep him at work for as long as possible but he was dead-set on seeing Spencer. It had been days since they had seen each other and the only conversations they had were short texts to make sure everything was okay. He missed Spencer so much, the point of getting her back from that god forsaken bunker was to be with her but even though he had got her back he still wasn't with her. Veronica felt the same way but Toby was completely oblivious to Spencer's lack of Spencer. The only thing he knew was that the most important person in the world to him was back and he could see her. He wasn't thinking about how just being able to see her wasn't the same as having her back. Shaking off his anxious feelings, he walked purposefully towards his car and climbed in.

The familiar dive to the Hastings' house was slow and calm but he just couldn't shake off a growing uneasiness. When the house was finally in sight it did little to relax him. He thought that he wouldn't feel better until he actually had Spencer in his arms. As usual he pulled up in the spot everyone regarded as his next to the house and walked to one of the glass doors he saw Veronica moving around the sitting area, putting things in her handbag. Lightly knocking on the door, he waited until she came over. Strangely, she looked, he dare say, relieved to see him. She rushed over to the door with a smile, different to her usual faked polite one, it seemed more like an actual smile. Like she was happy to see him. That definitely made Toby even more uneasy even though her parents had been nicer to him since he found her.

"Toby, please come in. I'm so glad to see you," she said as he walked in.

"Thanks, is Spencer home?" The question was unnecessary. Spencer rarely left the house unless she was with her friends. 

"Yes and I think that its good that you came over. I think it will be good for her to see you, maybe then she'll feel a bit better." Immediately after she had finished her sentence Toby's uneasiness turned to worry.

"What do you mean? Is she okay?" Toby questioned, just barely stopping himself from running up the stairs to see her. 

"Well you know how she's been lately," Veronica said. Toby cocked an eyebrow and listened quietly as she explained Spencer's distance since she's been back. The more she said the more Toby saw. He mentally went back through every conversation they had since she had been back and he started to pick out all of the things that he had been blind to before.

"Yes, now you mention it I can see what you mean." 

"Well I'm just heading out and probably won't be back until tomorrow morning. It really was good that you came around. Please feel free to spend the night. Spencer's had some trouble sleeping and usually needs someone to stay with her. I'm sure she will tell you where the spare sheets and pillows are and you can sleep in the guest room." Toby didn't miss out on the emphasis that she put on 'in the guest room'. He nodded and watched her leave. Her car was out of the driveway before Toby turner around and began up the stairs. 

Gently, he pushed her bedroom door open and saw her lying in her bed. For a couple minutes he just stood in the door way and just watched her. She was being unusually still. Even when she was asleep that amazing brain of hers never stopped so she would normally be flinching or twitching but she was completely still. The ever-growing worry in the pit of Toby's stomach was becoming unbearable and even though he felt guilty for going to wake her up he couldn't wait any longer. Silently, he made his way over the bed and gently placed a hand on her shoulder.

She didn't even twitch.

"Spencer, Spencer," he whispered while gently shaking her.

Nothing.

He moved his hand to the side of her face. He flinched at the temperature of her skin. She was still warm but colder that she should have been.

"Spencer, Spencer," he said louder, shaking her harder. Frowning, he climbed onto the bed and was almost straddling her as he shook her shoulders desperately. Shaking her so hard had dislodged something from her hand. A small orange pill bottle fell to the floor. Toby stared at it with disbelief and fear for a couple of seconds before snatching it. It was completely empty. Frantically he looked between it and Spencer before screaming her name. His hand felt for her pulse and found nothing.

"No, no, no, no," he said, not noticing the tears streaming down his face. Suddenly he remembered being told that if ever in this situation he needed to get the pills out of the person. She was still warm so she had stopped breathing probably a minute or two ago. He jumped off the bed and picked her up and ran them into the bathroom. Lifting the toilet seat and lid he bent Spencer over it and grabbed at her jaw, trying to open her mouth. Using two fingers he put them in Spencer's mouth and down her throat trying to induce vomiting to get the pills out of her system.

After a second Spencer's body starting violently racking as she vomited out the contents of her stomach. All through it Toby just held her and rubbed her back as he sobbed into her hair. It took a minute for the vomiting to stop and they both just knelt there trembling. Spencer weakly but desperately clung to the strong arm Toby had around her middle and Toby held on just as tightly to her. He didn't dare look up from where he had his face buried in Spencer's hair until he felt her reach up to flush the toilet. After that she just sat back and leaned more heavily on him.

"Toby..." he heard her whisper. It was enough to break him out of his trance and he shot up. 

"How could you do that! How could you do that to yourself! To your friends! Your family! To me! How could you do that to me Spencer! What were you thinking?!" He screamed, enraged and afraid.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Spencer sobbed as she continued to repeat the words 'I'm sorry'. All of the rage left Toby as he looked at the woman he loved. The emotionally-stable, strong, incredible, proud Spencer Hastings kneeling on the bathroom floor crying and broken, with vomit on her clothes. He rushed back to her side and held her. 

"It's okay, it's okay," he repeated as she cried uncontrollably into his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it and if you do then be sure to check back in because I post daily. All comments get responded to so just leave one if you want to chat.


	3. Chapter 3

They stayed like that on the floor for ages. Toby just gently rocked Spencer back and forth. It had taken about five minutes for Spencer to stop apologizing, after that she had just fallen into silence. The only noise to be heard were Spencer and Toby's sniffles as they just clung onto each other, barely noticing they were still crying. Bout half an hour later Toby felt reassured enough that Spencer was still there and wasn't dead that he moved.

Without a sound he picked Spencer up again and carried her downstairs. Although Spencer didn't like being carried she didn't say anything, knowing that Toby was not in any mood for objections. All she did was cling on to his neck as he placed her gently on the sofa. As he went to stand and she didn't let go Toby knelt down and slipped out of the loop of her arms. Reluctantly Spencer let him walk away and go into the kitchen area even though all she wanted to do was grab him and never let go. She watched him as he sifted through the various cupboards, getting out a mug and then just standing there and staring down into it.

Toby didn't want to let go of Spencer but he was still scared and that made him angry because he hated being so helpless. After all that's why he had become a cop, to protect her. What was he supposed to do if the thing that was hurting her was her. Confused and scared he walked into the kitchen and started to rifle through the cupboards just to busy himself. He was going to make her coffee but he didn't know if something would happen because she had taken all those pills. Those pills. Why did she take them? Was she trying to kill herself? Without even saying goodbye? Leaving nothing behind? No. No, that's not Spencer. She wouldn't do that. He shook his head to break off the train of thought. Right now Spencer's throat and mouth must burn so he should make her a drink to make her feel better. At least he could do that much.

Well coffee was off the table. Herbal tea? No that doesn't seem right either. Water. Water is always a safe option. He picked up the mug and ran it under the tap. As he walked back over he made sure to deflect all of Spencer's attempts at eye contact. He was scared and didn't want her to see him like that. Handing over the mug he just walked over to the chair opposite and sat down, staring at the floor.

Spencer got really worried when Toby wouldn't even look at her. It looked like he was actively trying not to. He just shuffled over, handed her a mug full of water and sat down and stared at the floor. She was thankful for the water because it soothed her burning throat and washed the taste of sick out of her mouth. The silence between them was strained and uncomfortable. She was expecting him to break it but he made no move to.

"Toby.." she said, her voice a whisper. That was enough to release the flood gates for Toby and he shot up, all of his emotions coming to the surface.

"How could you do that?! Do you know how dangerous that was!? I was so worried! Do you know what could have happened?! What if I hadn't got here in time?! What if your mom didn't come back until tomorrow?! You could have died! You did," he started out shouting but at the ended it was barley a strangled whisper. He fell back into the chair crying into his hands.

Spencer couldn't bear to see Toby hurt so she went to get up and go to him but it was harder to move than she thought so when she ended up falling on the floor. Immediately Toby rushed over to her and turned her onto her back.

"Spence, are you all right?" Toby asked looking so worried it made Spencer cry again. "Are you hurt? Where?"

"I'm sorry Toby. I'm so sorry." Spencer cried.

"Oh, oh Spence. It's okay, it's okay. I'm not angry I'm just worried and scared. Why did you do it?" Toby said, pulling Spencer against him and burying his face in her hair.

"I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry Toby. I love you, I'm sorry," she sobbed. Toby hushed her and stroked her hair, he felt better knowing that Spencer wasn't purposely trying to kill herself. But he was still worried about the pills and pulled back. Delicately, he picked her up and placed her back on the sofa and went to move away. This time Spencer did reach out and grabbed his hand. He smiled a bit and half-heartedly tried to pull away. Her grip tightened and she pulled him back.

"Come on Spence I need to call an ambulance." A look of pure fear entered Spencer's face. She clung onto Toby's hand so hard it bordered on painful and she pulled his hand closer to her as if it were her lifeline.

"No, no Toby please don't. I can't have my mom find out about this or my dad or anyone." Spencer's pleading was enough to make Toby want to stop but it was that broken look from earlier that broke his resolve. He never wanted to see it again and would do anything to get rid of it.

"Okay," he said, stroking his thumb over her hand reassuringly. When she said it Spencer seemed to physically relax but her tears were still flowing. "What's wrong?" She pulled him down onto her and kissed him aggressively. He responded the kiss just as passionately. The kiss wasn't about lust and want but more of a physical and intimate reassurance to both of them that they were still there. Before the kiss got any deeper Toby pulled away. Spencer was still weak and vulnerable and exhausted and the emotional trauma of the day had tired him out too.

"How about we just go upstairs and sleep and then we'll talk some more in the morning?" Spencer nodded and reluctantly let herself be carried back up the stairs.Toby laid her on her bed and kicked off his boots and slid out of his shirt and trousers, climbing in next to her in his boxers. Protectively, he wrapped and arm around her and pulled her close until their bodies were fitted together perfectly.

Already half asleep it didn't take Spencer long to drop off now she had the reassurance of a protecting, familiar, warm body with her. Toby just watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest and listened to her breathing taking comfort in it and letting the steady pattern lull him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come back for more tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Ally for supporting this fic and leaving support. Thanks Ally. And as always, I hope you enjoy!

Sun rays seeped in through the crack between the curtains and spilled light into the room. Toby woke slowly. First noticing the feel of an body against his chest, then the familiar smell of Spencer and the soft feel of the bed before he actually opened his eyes. His face was half buried in Spencer's hair and he smiled at the softness of the silky strands on his face.

"Morin'," he mumbled sleepily, pushing himself up onto one of his arms. Spencer didn't move so he smiled cheekily and extracted his arm from where it was curled protectively around her. Brushing some of her hair aside Toby bowed his head down to leave small feathery kissed along her neck. When he placed the first one under the curve of her well-defined jaw he flinched back at how cold her skin was.

"Spence?" he said, worried. She didn't respond so he pushed her onto her back. He shrieked in horror and disbelief at what he saw. Her face was pale and her skin cold, her once lush, pink lips were pale and her eyes were half-open with a vacant and glazed-over look.

"Spencer! Spencer! No! No! No, you can not do this to me," he yelled, shaking her shoulders so hard the whole bed moved. "No, Spence please, please. Spencer Hastings you can not do this to me. You can not! I love you! Spencer Hastings I love you to damn much for you to just leave me like this," he paused, tears flowing down his face and a huge lump in his throat. "So just please, please come back. I love you, please," he sobbed, his face pressed onto her chest. And he could of sworn as his face was pressed to her cold chest with her unbeating heart beneath his ear, his one stopped too.

 

Toby awoke with a scream and bolted upright. His sudden moved not only resulted in waking Spencer but also hitting her in the face. Toby sat, panting heavily as Spencer sat up beside him. She one arm just under the nape of his neck and she put the other on his sharp jaw and turned him to face her.

"Hey,hey, it's all right, everything's okay. It was just a dream," she reassured, rubbing his back to calm him. Toby stared at her with a brokenness and vulnerability that brought tears to Spencer's eyes. Taking a second to check Spencer over with his eyes so he could see that she was very alive he lunged for her, hugging her so tightly like he felt as if if he let go she would break into a million unfixable pieces. It made Spencer feel better knowing that there was someone who was willing to hold her together. Just to be absolutely certain Toby pressed his face to her chest and released a breath he was unaware he had been holding when he felt warm skin and a beating heart under it.

Spencer didn't know what happened but when Toby hugged her, rather oddly with his head pressed to her chest, he sighed and she could feel the tension flood out from his bunched up muscles. She could feel warm tears on her chest and the right side of her face smarting from where Toby had smacked her but she just sat there combing her fingers through his thick hair. They stayed like that for what seemed like the longest time before Toby pulled back to look at her through blurred eyes.

"Oh Spence it was terrible, I dreamed that we didn't get enough pills out and that you had gone in your sleep and I woke up and you were-" he couldn't say any more but Spencer understood and hushed him, telling him that it was just a dream. Toby sniffled and put one of his large calloused hands against her face but she flinched away with a look of pain. 

"Spence? Did I do that?" he motioned to her cheek that was turning red. 

"You didn't mean to. You were still asleep. It was an accident." Spencer said bringing his big hand back up to her face and nuzzling into his palm. Toby tentatively hovered his hand above her cheek, the ghost of a touch.

"I'm so sorry Spence," Toby sobbed, a rush of new tears falling from his eyes.

"Hey, hey," Spencer said, grabbing both sides of his jaw and making him look her in the eyes. "It's not your fault. I love you Toby. It's still early," she said indicating to the dull grey dawn light that barely illuminated the room, "why don't we stay in bed for a while and then face the world later." She smiled encouragingly and he just nodded meekly, shuffling closer to her and intertwining their fingers and letting her put her arm at his waist as he relaxed into her.

Neither of them went back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this isn't a good chapter I just needed to write it. Once again a big thanks to Ally, all comments get responded to and I hope you enjoyed.


	5. Chapter 5

Warm sunlight trickled into the room and landed in the two people laying on their sides in the bed with their intertwined hands between them. Toby and Spencer didn't know how long they had been laying like that just staring into each others eyes, they had spent hours lost in each others eyes, staring into each others souls and inside in their own minds. Spencer had spent her time staring into Toby's beautiful blue eyes. They showed that he was still young and truthful and loyal and that he had a love as vast as the oceans their colour reminded her of, but they were also hardened by pain from the hurt and lies and betrayal he had suffered. Spencer looked into them and clung onto the feeling of love he emitted and thought to herself how amazingly lucky she was to have him and how tremendously stupid she was to try and throw that away the way she almost did the night before.

Toby spent his time staring into the deep brown of Spencer's eyes. They also showed a love and youth like his but in them he could see the sadness and pain and wisdom that stretched beyond her years and after he had looked for hours he finally managed to see through all of those powerful, impenetrable defences she had put up. He managed to break through that barrier of wit and sarcasm and eventually managed to pass the walls of intellect to see her soul, to see the depressed, grieving girl that had all chances of a normal life stolen away years ago when Allison went missing and going even further back to when she got hooked on pills. He could see that since then, when she had been taken off the pills she had sworn to make her parents proud and that's why she always worked so hard, won all her competitions and medals. Just to try and live up to their impossible expectations. It angered and saddened him and he barely registered the warm tears slipping down his face. Tears were leaking from Spencer's eyes too. Her defences were not the only that had been breeched. She too was looking inside of him to see a young crying boy grieving over his mothers death.

When the morning rays turned to full on sun did the two lovers finally stir from their trances. Both of them stretched out their limbs in the bed but neither made any attempts to break the familiar companionable silence they often fall into when their doing or thinking their own things but want to be in each others company. 

"Spence?" Toby was the one to break it. Spencer hummed to acknowledge him. "I-I dreamed that when I woke up you were dead," Toby choked out. Spencer's arms flung around him and held him in a tight embrace as she stroked his hair.

"It's okay, it's okay. What's important is that I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere," she pulled back, keeping her hands on the side of his face, and looked at him, "Toby I am so sorry. I really really love you and I wasn't thinking at all about what I was doing."

"It's okay but I should've took you to the hospital yesterday. What if there are still chemicals or something in you and what happened in my dream could happen in real life."

"Don't worry I had eaten before I took the pills so it's not that bad." Reluctantly, Toby caved, again, and decided not to take her to the hospital.

"Fine, but we're getting some more food into you right now." Toby said very matter-of-factly.

"Okay," Spencer chuckled and let him take her hand and lead her downstairs.

**Author's Note:**

> All comments are welcome and responded to.


End file.
